Amber Marie's Story: Life With Selective Mutism

2010-06-24T14:33:00.001-07:00

Two ideas: What if we started an online petition to change the name "Selective Mutism" to "Sitchuational Mutism"? & What if we had someone talk about SM on a popular TV show, like Oprah or Ellen? Alot of people watch those shows and don't know about SM, so it would be cool to do something(:

2010-06-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

okay. i know i haven't said anything in a long, long, LONG time. sorry. i'm busy. i just finished school & now i'm doing studio art for two weeks this summer, for four hours a day. it's tiring! anyways.. i'll try to keep updated more often. i have videos on YouTube under my user name- iiTzAmberMarie. so, please watch, rate & subscribe. i'll be posting here more often(:

What is Selective Mutism?

2010-03-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Selective Mutism is a social anxiety disorder where a person who is normally capable of speech finds it extremely difficult to talk in social surroundings or situations. Most of the time, he or she can still talk at home to their family.

The duration of the diagnosis is at least one month (not limited to the first month of school).The failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation.The disturbance is not better accounted for by a communication disorder, and does not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia, or other psychotic or language/speech disorders.

On a negative side, we find it difficult to maintain eye contact. We often don't smile and have blank expressions. We move stiffly and awkwardly. We find situations where talk is normally expected particularly hard to handle. We tend to worry about things more than others. We can be very sensitive to noise and crowds. We find it difficult to talk about ourselves and express our feelings. Some sufferers have been diagnosed with other issues such as social phobia and depression (Yes, it really is that bad.). Some sufferers will self-mutilate. Some have been put in mental hospitals and such, all due to lack of so much misunderstanding.

On the positive side, many sufferers have above average intelligence. Are sensitive to others' thoughts and feelings; empathy. We have very good powers of concentration; we are not choosing to not speak when you ask us to or are in a situation where speaking is required. We are in fact focused and more than aware of the answer or situation. We often have a good sense of right, wrong, fairness and justice. We can define people in a way that others cannot, in other words, see right through their personalities or traits; determine what kind of person they are.

2010-03-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

this is a note for everyone who's anyone in this world to read. i just want everyone to know that i am done. i am done trying to get people to understand what is being thrown right at them. it isn't fair. i mean, every day i watch people get hurt and judged, and it isn't fair. turn it off already, people! it's old. and keeps getting old. i'm watching everyone i looked up to bending more and more every day. they are going to break, eventually. this goes for everything i've learned in life. this goes for all the people i've met. because once again, just shut up. stop saying things about me that you know aren't true. wow, you all think i'm a poser. well, when all i'm trying to do is have a better life, you're going to see a different side of me. that side is the real me. not that side that's afraid of everyone and everything around me. not the side that i doubt myself in and tell myself i'm no good and i'll never amount to anything. i like that other side, that only a few people get to see. that other side that's still not anywhere as close to being me. but i like that side better. if you don't like it, you can deal with it yourself. i know what you're probably thinking, that i'm asking for too much. that i have enough in life and don't deserve anymore. i know already that no one wants to hang out with me anyways. but if you want to get to know me, if you want to be my friend, if you want to support me, then you can try for yourself. because i'm done. i'm done trying to make my life better. i'm done trying to surround myself with people who care when most of them don't. you can try yourself. i'm sick. i'm sick of being labeled as something i'm not and never will be. i'm sick of living a life that i shouldn't deserve. i'm sick of people thinking they know everything about me when they don't even have the guts to prove it. don't get your facts from other people. i know my first impressions aren't the greatest but i believe in second chances. think about me! when have i ever had the guts to do anything. i'm sick of everything. leave me alone, give me space and get your hands out of my face. while you're not still suffocated, i'm constantly devastated just to stay alive. you have the choice to either stay where you are and keep trying, or just walk away. just stop pretending to know me and what i'm like. stop talking about my life and get one of your own.

just because i can't help anyone doesn't mean i shouldn't help anyone.

2010-03-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

hello. i guess i am going to type without any real grammar corrections from now on. i kind of like it... so anyways. it's just one of those typical tuesday nights (no taylor swift reference here) and i just thought of some, um, ideas? okay, so let's say you have a younger child with selective mutism. even though they might want to keep it a secret, it's best that everyone within a thousand miles knows about them. i know i didn't really want anyone to know when i was younger. i thought it was some problem that no one should know about. something that should be kept only in my family. only, i've found that if no one knows, it gets harder to cope with. people back off once they know something is going on. and i know from experience. i'm now 14 years old, still have selective mutism and cope with it everyday of my life. how much longer can i? i don't even know. not that many people know, but thanks to facebook and the about 200 friends from school on there, more people know. but not enough, i know, because things still happen. not everyone is on facebook. and not every friend on your account is going to even bother clicking on your links. so, i realized that in order to move on and beat this "disorder", i'm going to have to do something about it myself. i can do alot. i know i can. i can say so much using no words at all, thanks to youtube microsoft powerpoint. i can say anything, using no words at all. as apposed to the guy who talks about everything he can all day. i'm not trying to make my life public, and i'm definitely not trying to improve it by posting here on the internet. i'm trying to help other people. you learn from other people's failures and mistakes. you also learn from your own failures and mistakes. just because i can't help everybody doesn't mean i can't help anyone.

friendship.

2010-03-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

okay, this has been bugging me for awhile now. even though i know i have friends and people who care about me.. i don't know. it's like everything about my life is in black and white. and those people are like the balloons in the picture. they bring a little color into my life. but it's only so long that i can hold onto them. i just wish i knew how long that could be. i want to keep my friends. it's just that i have this feeling that they worry about me too much. and that worry is so strong that i can feel it too, and i don't believe in their smiles anymore. i wish badly that i knew what it was like to be on the other side of this situation. i've never know what it's like to see and experience things differently. i feel like i am pushing a little too much for understanding.. it's just weird. i don't know who to turn to.. i don't know anyone who can explain this to me. it's just.... hard. very hard. i'm trying to make myself a better person, and it takes time to do that. i don't really know what i'm trying to say. i guess i'm just a little scared of becoming someone that people actually stand by and want to be around.

Updates! :D

2010-03-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't posted in forever. So here is everything that's been happening with me so far. My birthday, woot. I got evaluated for this SM thing, and it took about 5 hours I'm guessing. My brain hurt forever after that. I'll admit I'm on a roller coaster with my life, it goes up and down all the time. I do have a few more friends. And alot of people have expressed their feelings about my not talking sometimes and things like that. So yeah! I found a ton of good music. Not that any of you care.. But yeah. I would say that I'm getting better.. but it's at a very... sloooow pace. I made a couple of friends. I mean, if they say hi to you everyday and try to hug you occasionally, they're your friends, right? I guess so. Well, whatever! I now have a YouTube channel and a Twitter account. I'll post the links at the end of this post so you all can watch and Tweet me. :)

I do have a little concern though. Since I'm not, and won't ever NOT know how it's like to not have SM, I'm going to ask a few questions which I need answers to. If you can help, GREAT. Thank you. :)

-What goes through your mind when I whisper?

-What are you thinking when you say "At least I can talk."?

-What do you expect me to say when you ask "How come you never speak?"

Thanks. I have alot more but I guess that's it for now.

YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/iiTzAmberMarie?feature=mhw4

Twitter: http://twitter.com/iiTzAmberMarie

2010-03-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

I wrote a song. Everyone that I've shown it to says it is good. Sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've been super busy, but I'll try to keep up more often!

Here it goes, it is called Leave Me Alone. If you steal my song you die. :

Leave me alone, give me some space and remove all your eyes away from my face… Nothing makes sense anymore; I can’t even hold my breath… I’m trying so hard to let this go, but how can I when there’s nothing to look forward to…? Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… I know that to get to where I want to, it’s gonna take some time, but I wanna get there as soon as possible. There’s a lot holding me back, but once this concrete breaks underneath my feet, I can tumble right into my place… But, why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright… There’s something about the way I live, it’s just not right; I’m not exactly whole… I want a lot more than I should be asking for… Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright… Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright…

I Made A List...

2010-02-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

Of things that people have said to me or about me behind my back. I want to get this out there because it's going to KEEP happening. When I hear this kind of stuff, it hurts me, and it hurts even more knowing I can't say anything about it.

"She can't talk." - What I want to say back: "Yes I can!"

"Stop not talking to me." - What I want to say back: "It's not like I'm choosing not to, because I want to talk to you.."

"She's the girl who doesn't talk." - What I want to say back: "The school really knows me by that label?"

"Are you listening to me?" - What I want to say back: "Of course I am, stupid!"

"This [a game of charades] should be easy for you." - What I want to say back: "Actually, it's not easy. Think before you talk, okay?"

"She doesn't talk." - What I want to say back: "Uh, yeah, I do."

"She's a mime." - What I want to say back: "Okay, and your a blabber-mouth and you should try keeping it shut."

"She's just shy..." - What I want to say back: "A shy person can still talk. I physically can't..."

"She never talks." - What I want to say back: "Okay. You go on living with that in your brain. We'll see just what you missed out on."

"That's very rude!" - What I want to say back: "It's not my fault, I know what rude is, and it's y-o-u for not bothering to accept the fact that not everyone is perfect."

"Stop doing this to me..." - What I want to say back: "Do you really think I can help it?"

"You talked to me yesterday at my house..." - What I want to say back: "Yeah, so? I was comfortable there, who says I have to be comfortable here, too?"

"Why don't you talk to my parents?" - What I want to say back: "Because they scare me out of talking. Duh."

"My mom doesn't like you, because you don't talk." - "That's her problem, I never did anything to her."

2010-02-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

I Think I'm Going To Pop.

Or Die.

Or Blow Up.

Or Something.

Part Oneeeeeee.

2010-01-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

"Who's Amber?"
"She's the girl who doesn't talk."
"Why can't you talk?"
*shrugs*

Kind of a dumb question if you ask me, even if the "asker" is asking out of curiosity... So yeah, I decided to start some 3-4 part series of things people should know about people like me and why. This goes for parents, teachers, classmates, family members... Everyone basically. So, I guess I can start with some things that have happened to me personally. The opening sentences have happened to me, and will keep happening if something isn't done... Which will take awhile to accomplish. -UGH.-

Another experience I've had was with a family member, and he basically implied that talking is easy to do, everyone can do it, and that I should because people will think this and that and so on about me. That made me feel stupid, honestly. It's a life-scarring experience for me, that seemed like it lasted forever at the time, but to other people who've done and said similar things will not give it another thought. Never.

People say things about me which aren't true (Rumors, der-her-her), literally kill me in side. I can't help not talking sometimes! It isn't my fault, it isn't my parent's fault, it isn't anyone's fault. All these professional experts people... They try so hard to figure out things about us, but to me that's over-whelming, because I'm still trying to figure out alot about myself... Inside I'm a 'normal' person with 'normal' dreams and 'normal' stuff to worry about. But then there's this other side of me that pops out, whenever it feels like. Like a jack-in-the-box... Except you have to turn the little cranks on those.. So bad analogy. Like DAISIES. -Smile- Except they are ugly daises, showing the horrible part of me that I can't control, and without those Weed Whackers, I keep growing and growing and nothing can stop me.

-Phew, mouthful of random thoughts that keep popping into my head. :) -

2010-01-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

I don't exactly everything that happened today, or if it even happened, all I know is that today is Friday and that's supposed to be a good thing... I'll sleep in super late so maybe I'll get some things off my chest.

Genuis On iTunes Is My BFF.

2010-01-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hello. Again. :)
So, I retrieved the poems from my mother, finally. The first one I wrote awhile ago, probably about a week or two ago. It's called Life In Technicolor. Enjoy! :

So the day I spoke up
And you heard my voice
I wasn't too sure
If you'd like the noise

But to me it felt great
Cause for me
I really changed fate

My whole life has been in black and white
And today I felt just like you
I saw a flash of life...
Only this time it was in color

I stared back in awe
And began to think
If only I had the strength
To see life like you
Life in technicolor

This second one I wrote a 12:30am on Wednesday, because I couldn't sleep. I was just going to lie and stare at the ceiling all night, until I got this crazy idea in my head and started writing it down. I think I kinda felt like I was going crazy, because I wrote it somewhat neatly yet fast. Soo yerp. (Yerp is my new word?) Enjoy this one too! :

There are some things in life that you just can't have: But to me it's just not fair, what did I ever do to lead myself to such despair? All of our broken hearts lie in the fading sun, waiting on Father Time, just to be fixed like a clock. My heart is not yet in that pile; I've kept it safe inside of my chest... but it's gotten way too hard to keep inside of my head, I'm ready to toss myself into that pile, waiting impatiently with all the other heartbreak, death and denial.

Comment? Please? Hah.

Hiii..... Again...

2010-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

Yerp, so I know I haven't really posted here in awhile.. Sorry. I'm busy and have a lot going on that I can't really handle.. I even wrote a poem about it. :) I don't have it with me now... -MOM- So I guess I can post it later.. -.- But it was freakishly good and I wrote it at 12:30am on Wednesday in less than 5 minutes. I scared myself after reading it in the morning. >:O

Soo yea. I will post again soon, WITH my poem this time. :)

Ta ta for now.

2009-12-25T18:01:00.001-08:00

Those so called "SM Experts" are not experts.

What desperate parent wants to come across someone telling them their kid has to go on an IEP or 504 program? Not me. If someone ever told ME that I'd slap them silly because I'm not not smart enough to be in the 'normal kid class' and don't need THAT much help.

MORE than half the SM Parents out there aren't even looking at the fact that their child is smart, because at this point, more than likely the kid is under 10, the parent is at his/her 'last resort' and the child has no concern in their lives other than why he or she doesn't talk. And they want to get better and they don't know how, SO, they AGREE to this PROGRAM to make them "SMART".

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas.

Midwest Clinc-y.

2009-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

So.... Yesterday our band class got to go to the Midwest Clinic in Chicago. It wasn't that bad... Or as bad as I thought it would be. It was pretty funny actually. (:

First we got on the bus which took forever to get on because we were shoving each other out the door... I sat next to Cassie on the bus. Haha, then we ended up watching Wall-E because of the stupid school policy of only G-rated movies. So we got there, which took forever by the way, and we waited like 2,085,437,581,643 years for the people to direct us to our 'homeroom' so we could put our stuff down and EXPLORE! We were supposed to divide into groups of ten. We had like 15 people in our group though, and I don't even know if I even remember HALF of who was in it except for: Me, Cassie, Shae, Matt, Meg, Mitch, Olivia, Tom, Anna..... and yeah I can't remember the rest. (:

So we got a bunch of free candy and looked at instruments and stuff. Blahhh. Then it was... LUNCHTIME. The food was really expensive.. Mr. Harrison (Our band teacher) gave us each a $10 bill to buy lunch. And guess what? I spent $9.98 on a stupid sandwich. But Mitch, being very un-Mitch-y gave me $3 I didn't even ask HIM for money to buy a drink (I just got an icky feeling, ha ha ha! ). So I was like, "SWEEEEET I GOTTA DRINK NOW!!!" and ran to get it. Thirst calls my friend. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. ;)

About five bites into my sandwich I realized I talked to the cashier when I got my food. It was a weird feeling at first and I stopped eating and stared at my sandwich and then I stared at Cassie and back at my sandwich. She laughed and so did I, but only because it seemed silly that I thought talking to the cashier was scary at first, but I did it anyways... That moment felt really good. (:

So we ate and then went to look around more, but our group somehow got split up. My arms hurt though from carrying a bag to haul all the free stuff around. Plus my grody clarinet and humongous coat and bag for extra clothes (We had to wear a TUXEDO!!!!).

More stuff happened but I can't type it all right now. :P I'll update y'all later. (:

Suffering In Silence.

2009-12-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

I tried writing a short song or poem; Like it? Haha, I think it's alright-y.

You ignore me and shove me into the corner, telling me to suck it up!; It's not that hard. Well, for me it is! You don't know what its like; with your big mouth and lies. With your false heart and eyes.. I'm not bothering you; I can't say anything anyways.. So I just sit here and wait, suffering in silence...

SM Research Project.

2009-12-08T19:00:00.001-08:00

A teacher of mine is letting me do selective mutism for a research project. We have to read a novel and the best one I could find was about a 12-year old girl named Jinna from China. Anyone know of a few better ones? >:*

I'm using Gale Group for my articles and SM websites. I feel hesitant doing this topic because I don't exactly agree with alot of the sources and their diagnosis and blah. Oh well. I'll ask the teacher if I can add part of 'my story' to it. She'll probably say yes since my mom thinks its a good idea. Advice from mommy. (x

Updates?

2009-12-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything in awhile so I decided to rush on this very quickly. (:

Let's see, I've had splitting headaches for awhile now,and I'm wondering if this could be part of the SM thing? Hmmph. :/ I'm getting an MRI done on my head, so I'm wondering if this could help?

I had a few miserable last couple of days.... COUGHStupidWeddingCOUGH.

I should write a book. Haha.

School is not fun.

2009-11-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

I hate waking up for school.
I wish I could take a break from it.
Just because I have to drag myself out of bed telling myself to suck it up.
That it won't matter if something goes wrong because it's not like anything can be done.
Cause that's what everybody says.
But you can't possibly let a poor kid miserable for 13 years.
That's not right.
That's not right at all.

I'm mad at myself for not talking to people who wonder why 'I can't talk'.

It's not fair.

It's not like I can help it.

And I'll never be able to talk to those people ever again.

Which makes me sad and angry at the same time.

I have something to say...

2009-11-18T19:20:00.001-08:00

My name is Amber Marie Colón and I live in Oswego, IL... and I have something to say. I have been ‘diagnosed’ with Selective Mutism since 4 years old, but I hate calling it SM… because it’s not really selective... So basically, I’ve always been ‘that girl who doesn’t or can’t talk’. Even putting it out there in this big bad world is way too brave for someone like me.

I can’t meet people that I want to. I can’t make new friends and I can’t try new things half the time. I can’t achieve some of the things that I want to do.

There are things that people expect and need you to do. And there are things that you know and have to do… and for some reason I just can’t.

I don’t choose to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. There’s no way I can prevent being this way.

It’s embarrassing to be trying to talk to someone and you’re just getting attacked with questions that sound so stupid to only you. You just stand there, either smiling fakely or completely stone faced, most of the time I can’t even make eye contact, feeling the sadness and anger creep up inside you even more. It feels like it’s literally eating you alive sometimes.

“Why can’t you talk?”, “She doesn’t talk, just don’t talk to her.”, “Just say one word!”, “She’s the girl who can’t talk.”, “Fine! …DON’T talk to me!” --I hear those phrases almost everyday… and it hurts because there is so many people telling you things they expect you to do and telling you to heal and get better overnight. I can’t. I won’t, because it hurts even more remembering how it felt to shut down the last time… and the time before that.

I know that I need help to get a little better eventually. I know it’ll take a whole lot more than just ‘sucking it up’ everyday. I know people want to talk to me and I want to talk to them. Luckily I have friends who have actually stepped up to the plate and take strikes like I have to, too. Those are real friends.

Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe all of this is a stupid dream that I’ll wake up from one day. Maybe all I really need to do is give up and deal with it? Maybe I just have to keep trying and not give up?

It’s just that all I ever really wanted and all I’ll ever ask of anyone is for people to know and understand.

I hate when people laugh at me for something I don’t even have control over. I hate when people ask me questions when I ‘can’t talk’ anyways. I hate when someone drags me back down again because I know I have to try even harder than the first time the next time. I hate when people think I’m mean or rude or stuck up because I ‘don’t talk’. I hate that people don’t talk to me because of that. I hate that the only reason I could be well known in my school is because I can’t say one word to anyone. I have a lot of things to hate.

I always wonder if I’m even here for a good reason. I always wonder why it has to be me and not someone else. I always wonder how my life would be different if I was “okay”. I always wonder if my life would be worse or better without “Selective Mutism”. But that’s okay… because without being quiet all the time I probably would be stuck up and mean like people think I am.

It’s actually kind of sad that I have to do this… because even with all the research and things out there you can’t get a good story like mine. Doctors don’t know anything. They aren’t me. They can’t say that I have a rare disorder that starts in childhood because I DON’T. No one will ever know what’s really going on without me. I can understand how hundreds of other kids out there feel. Not doctors. They are there for the money. We should ALL know that by now.

I wish people would know how I feel. And I know nobody ever will, and kids like me could be suffering even more than me. That kills me more than anything. It sucks knowing that, too.

It’s like breaking down a brick wall over a long period of time. And it hurts you and you have to take breaks. And you have to get back up again and try even if you end up breaking your back, because you have to get it done to make yourself and others feel better and accomplished.

This probably won’t work at all, but I at least want to have the pride of trying… because it’s not like I’ve ever succeeded in anything really important to me anyways.

Happy Halloween?

2009-10-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Through the wind and the rain she stand hard as a stone through a world that she can't rise above.. But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved... Concrete angel.."

I like that song. I'm sorry. :)

Soo... I'm probably not gonna go Trick Or Treating this year. BECAUSE.. Last year I had bad experiences with adults forcing me to talk (you know who you are..or at least WILL know..) AND because I just don't feel like it... I can't see myself going house to house asking for candy. I'd rather stay home watching those un-scary kids movies on Disney Channel or something. Hahaa.

So I don't have much to blog about. I'm a very boring person besides what everyone else says which is a LIE. I am not fun to talk to!! I know I wouldn't want to talk to me... Ick.

No One Quite Gets It Yet, Huh?

2009-10-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't blogged in a few. Days. I came up with a good 'connection' or 'analogy' to feel (almost exactly, maybe, I don't know, I'm not YOU or THEM...) how us SM diagnosed kids feel.

Imagine your just hanging out with a bunch of friends and someone ticks someone off, and pulls out his or her gun. You're thinking, "Oh my God, please, no!" He or she shoves it into your hands and says, "Come on, just do it! ... It's easy! ... Anyone can do that! ... You idiot! Are you retarded or something?! DO IT!!"

But you just can't.

Maybe that didn't make any sense to you. Maybe it just confused you. Think about it.

Onto a different matter, we most likely all know someone with a mental or physical disability.

What about emotional-ish disabilities? Those kinds of things can haunt you forever.

It sickens me, "How strange it is that people of honest feelings and sensibility, who would not take advantage of a man born without arms or legs or eyes-- How such people think nothing of abusing a man born with low intelligence."

In my case it's no voice.

You're probably thinking, "Holy cow there's something terribly wrong with this girl! or WHAT AN IDIOT. or How sad."

Maybe none of those. Just don't FEEL bad for me.

Flowers for Algernon.

2009-10-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed, but happy at the same time that I found my Martina McBride (Concrete Angel) poster. Ha. I can put it up on my Paramore dominated walls. :)

We're reading this story called "Flowers for Algernon" by Daniel Keyes in Language Arts. I think Charlie Gordon killed himself at the end. Because if you foreshadow on the part where he says "It's hard to throw off thoughts of suicide", it is kind of obvious to me. THAT'S why I'm depressed and sad. Like that one time I looked over a CD of my cousins favorite band. My Chemical Romance. Now THAT is depressing.

Anyways, the reason I brought up that story is because in one part Charlie says he feels.... ''more alone than ever". He has a mental issue where he can't learn as well as other people so he's basically 'dumb'. And he gets a surgery to help him be smart. And he gets too smart. So smart he loses the people he thought were his friends and his job, too.

I feel bad for him. Even though he's most likely not real. And he doesn't want people to feel bad for him.

COUGH COUGH.

"Black boot. Black cat. Black car. BLACK EYE."

2009-10-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write about today.... I noticed that having SM is kind of a blessing, in a way. A neutral way, not good or bad. Just in between. Just riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

My friend Heidi from Facebook just made a good point. (Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D ) She has SM too. People ask us things everyday about ''how quiet we are'' and things like that. It ain't like we can tell them... Dur. I'm random. Apparently. In some sort of good way.

I'm thinking of other ways to express my anger over selective mutism awareness and stuff. Why do I know only one person who has it? Isn't the commonness like 1 in every 146 or something? So at least 3-4 kids at my school have it. That includes me, so.... ? THAT'S FAIR, NOT TELLING ANYONE ELSE. I'd rather have the whole world know. Well kind of.

What REALLY makes me feel left out, all the time, is when a teacher asks me in front of the entire class, "Amber, are you sure you are comfortable and BLAH BLAH BLAH?!?!"

"Get a life," I feel like saying.

[Enter Bored Here]

2009-10-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today was okay. I'm just still a little bit angry about that doctor dude last night. Some doctor, huh? I'm choosing not to say anything about him on here because I'm nice like that(:
So anyways... I'm bored, and my mom said I should try and do this blogging thing everyday. To help people with what I have, too. Selective mutism. It sucks, and ew, my mom just gave me really terrible tasting gum. Anyways... I don't know. I really don't ever have much to say. Hmm.... Grr!

This stupid "What's on your mind?" on Facebook is killing me. I want to reply back to it and say "WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?!?!?!?!"

We all live in a yellow submarine.

A yellow submarine.

Something just popped into my mind. I've been working on portraits of Luke Benward from a ton of movies and stuff.... and Hayley Williams from Paramore for the past three or four days. Scary right? They're actually pretty good, too. The only problem is that I can't get their eyeballs and mouths right. Roar.

I found out they're both from Franklin, Tennessee and both have green eyes. Haha. I would know that.

GUESS WHAT?
Who cares. I'm bored, and I want to not think about green eyed people and selective mutism for awhile.

Green Eyes.

2009-10-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, October 10th, 2009

I am angry. Dealing with selective mutism is not fun at all. Nobody will ever understand how much pain and frustration and sadness... And don't forget hurt... That I have to go through and think about every single day of my life.
"Hang in there moms and dads, you are not alone!" I wonder who else is not alone...

I feel and sound very fancy today, just saying.