I can’t meet people that I want to. I can’t make new friends and I can’t try new things half the time. I can’t achieve some of the things that I want to do.
There are things that people expect and need you to do. And there are things that you know and have to do… and for some reason I just can’t.
I don’t choose to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. There’s no way I can prevent being this way.
It’s embarrassing to be trying to talk to someone and you’re just getting attacked with questions that sound so stupid to only you. You just stand there, either smiling fakely or completely stone faced, most of the time I can’t even make eye contact, feeling the sadness and anger creep up inside you even more. It feels like it’s literally eating you alive sometimes.
“Why can’t you talk?”, “She doesn’t talk, just don’t talk to her.”, “Just say one word!”, “She’s the girl who can’t talk.”, “Fine! …DON’T talk to me!” --I hear those phrases almost everyday… and it hurts because there is so many people telling you things they expect you to do and telling you to heal and get better overnight. I can’t. I won’t, because it hurts even more remembering how it felt to shut down the last time… and the time before that.
I know that I need help to get a little better eventually. I know it’ll take a whole lot more than just ‘sucking it up’ everyday. I know people want to talk to me and I want to talk to them. Luckily I have friends who have actually stepped up to the plate and take strikes like I have to, too. Those are real friends.
Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe all of this is a stupid dream that I’ll wake up from one day. Maybe all I really need to do is give up and deal with it? Maybe I just have to keep trying and not give up?
It’s just that all I ever really wanted and all I’ll ever ask of anyone is for people to know and understand.
I hate when people laugh at me for something I don’t even have control over. I hate when people ask me questions when I ‘can’t talk’ anyways. I hate when someone drags me back down again because I know I have to try even harder than the first time the next time. I hate when people think I’m mean or rude or stuck up because I ‘don’t talk’. I hate that people don’t talk to me because of that. I hate that the only reason I could be well known in my school is because I can’t say one word to anyone. I have a lot of things to hate.
I always wonder if I’m even here for a good reason. I always wonder why it has to be me and not someone else. I always wonder how my life would be different if I was “okay”. I always wonder if my life would be worse or better without “Selective Mutism”. But that’s okay… because without being quiet all the time I probably would be stuck up and mean like people think I am.
It’s actually kind of sad that I have to do this… because even with all the research and things out there you can’t get a good story like mine. Doctors don’t know anything. They aren’t me. They can’t say that I have a rare disorder that starts in childhood because I DON’T. No one will ever know what’s really going on without me. I can understand how hundreds of other kids out there feel. Not doctors. They are there for the money. We should ALL know that by now.
I wish people would know how I feel. And I know nobody ever will, and kids like me could be suffering even more than me. That kills me more than anything. It sucks knowing that, too.
It’s like breaking down a brick wall over a long period of time. And it hurts you and you have to take breaks. And you have to get back up again and try even if you end up breaking your back, because you have to get it done to make yourself and others feel better and accomplished.
This probably won’t work at all, but I at least want to have the pride of trying… because it’s not like I’ve ever succeeded in anything really important to me anyways.
Wow, I didn't know it was that long...
ReplyDeleteThis made me really sad. b/c I can relate to this in every way... its... spooky
ReplyDeleteAHHHHHHH. This is going so well its scary
ReplyDelete