Two ideas: What if we started an online petition to change the name "Selective Mutism" to "Sitchuational Mutism"? & What if we had someone talk about SM on a popular TV show, like Oprah or Ellen? Alot of people watch those shows and don't know about SM, so it would be cool to do something(:

okay. i know i haven't said anything in a long, long, LONG time. sorry. i'm busy. i just finished school & now i'm doing studio art for two weeks this summer, for four hours a day. it's tiring! anyways.. i'll try to keep updated more often. i have videos on YouTube under my user name- iiTzAmberMarie. so, please watch, rate & subscribe. i'll be posting here more often(:

What is Selective Mutism?

Selective Mutism is a social anxiety disorder where a person who is normally capable of speech finds it extremely difficult to talk in social surroundings or situations. Most of the time, he or she can still talk at home to their family.

 

The duration of the diagnosis is at least one month (not limited to the first month of school).The failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation.The disturbance is not better accounted for by a communication disorder, and does not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia, or other psychotic or language/speech disorders.

On a negative side, we find it difficult to maintain eye contact. We often don't smile and have blank expressions. We move stiffly and awkwardly. We find situations where talk is normally expected particularly hard to handle. We tend to worry about things more than others. We can be very sensitive to noise and crowds. We find it difficult to talk about ourselves and express our feelings. Some sufferers have been diagnosed with other issues such as social phobia and depression (Yes, it really is that bad.). Some sufferers will self-mutilate. Some have been put in mental hospitals and such, all due to lack of so much misunderstanding.

On the positive side, many sufferers have above average intelligence. Are sensitive to others' thoughts and feelings; empathy. We have very good powers of concentration; we are not choosing to not speak when you ask us to or are in a situation where speaking is required. We are in fact focused and more than aware of the answer or situation. We often have a good sense of right, wrong, fairness and justice. We can define people in a way that others cannot, in other words, see right through their personalities or traits; determine what kind of person they are.

this is a note for everyone who's anyone in this world to read. i just want everyone to know that i am done. i am done trying to get people to understand what is being thrown right at them. it isn't fair. i mean, every day i watch people get hurt and judged, and it isn't fair. turn it off already, people! it's old. and keeps getting old. i'm watching everyone i looked up to bending more and more every day. they are going to break, eventually. this goes for everything i've learned in life. this goes for all the people i've met. because once again, just shut up. stop saying things about me that you know aren't true. wow, you all think i'm a poser. well, when all i'm trying to do is have a better life, you're going to see a different side of me. that side is the real me. not that side that's afraid of everyone and everything around me. not the side that i doubt myself in and tell myself i'm no good and i'll never amount to anything. i like that other side, that only a few people get to see. that other side that's still not anywhere as close to being me. but i like that side better. if you don't like it, you can deal with it yourself. i know what you're probably thinking, that i'm asking for too much. that i have enough in life and don't deserve anymore. i know already that no one wants to hang out with me anyways. but if you want to get to know me, if you want to be my friend, if you want to support me, then you can try for yourself. because i'm done. i'm done trying to make my life better. i'm done trying to surround myself with people who care when most of them don't. you can try yourself. i'm sick. i'm sick of being labeled as something i'm not and never will be. i'm sick of living a life that i shouldn't deserve. i'm sick of people thinking they know everything about me when they don't even have the guts to prove it. don't get your facts from other people. i know my first impressions aren't the greatest but i believe in second chances. think about me! when have i ever had the guts to do anything. i'm sick of everything. leave me alone, give me space and get your hands out of my face. while you're not still suffocated, i'm constantly devastated just to stay alive. you have the choice to either stay where you are and keep trying, or just walk away. just stop pretending to know me and what i'm like. stop talking about my life and get one of your own.

just because i can't help anyone doesn't mean i shouldn't help anyone. 

hello. i guess i am going to type without any real grammar corrections from now on. i kind of like it... so anyways. it's just one of those typical tuesday nights (no taylor swift reference here) and i just thought of some, um, ideas? okay, so let's say you have a younger child with selective mutism. even though they might want to keep it a secret, it's best that everyone within a thousand miles knows about them. i know i didn't really want anyone to know when i was younger. i thought it was some problem that no one should know about. something that should be kept only in my family. only, i've found that if no one knows, it gets harder to cope with. people back off once they know something is going on. and i know from experience. i'm now 14 years old, still have selective mutism and cope with it everyday of my life. how much longer can i? i don't even know. not that many people know, but thanks to facebook and the about 200 friends from school on there, more people know. but not enough, i know, because things still happen. not everyone is on facebook. and not every friend on your account is going to even bother clicking on your links. so, i realized that in order to move on and beat this "disorder", i'm going to have to do something about it myself. i can do alot. i know i can. i can say so much using no words at all, thanks to youtube microsoft powerpoint. i can say anything, using no words at all. as apposed to the guy who talks about everything he can all day. i'm not trying to make my life public, and i'm definitely not trying to improve it by posting here on the internet. i'm trying to help other people. you learn from other people's failures and mistakes. you also learn from your own failures and mistakes. just because i can't help everybody doesn't mean i can't help anyone.

friendship.

okay, this has been bugging me for awhile now. even though i know i have friends and people who care about me.. i don't know. it's like everything about my life is in black and white. and those people are like the balloons in the picture. they bring a little color into my life. but it's only so long that i can hold onto them. i just wish i knew how long that could be. i want to keep my friends. it's just that i have this feeling that they worry about me too much. and that worry is so strong that i can feel it too, and i don't believe in their smiles anymore. i wish badly that i knew what it was like to be on the other side of this situation. i've never know what it's like to see and experience things differently. i feel like i am pushing a little too much for understanding.. it's just weird. i don't know who to turn to.. i don't know anyone who can explain this to me. it's just.... hard. very hard. i'm trying to make myself a better person, and it takes time to do that. i don't really know what i'm trying to say. i guess i'm just a little scared of becoming someone that people actually stand by and want to be around.

Updates! :D

Okay, I haven't posted in forever. So here is everything that's been happening with me so far. My birthday, woot. I got evaluated for this SM thing, and it took about 5 hours I'm guessing. My brain hurt forever after that. I'll admit I'm on a roller coaster with my life, it goes up and down all the time. I do have a few more friends. And alot of people have expressed their feelings about my not talking sometimes and things like that. So yeah! I found a ton of good music. Not that any of you care.. But yeah. I would say that I'm getting better.. but it's at a very... sloooow pace. I made a couple of friends. I mean, if they say hi to you everyday and try to hug you occasionally, they're your friends, right? I guess so. Well, whatever! I now have a YouTube channel and a Twitter account. I'll post the links at the end of this post so you all can watch and Tweet me. :)

I do have a little concern though. Since I'm not, and won't ever NOT know how it's like to not have SM, I'm going to ask a few questions which I need answers to. If you can help, GREAT. Thank you. :)

-What goes through your mind when I whisper?

-What are you thinking when you say "At least I can talk."?

-What do you expect me to say when you ask "How come you never speak?"

Thanks. I have alot more but I guess that's it for now.

YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/iiTzAmberMarie?feature=mhw4

Twitter: http://twitter.com/iiTzAmberMarie

I wrote a song. Everyone that I've shown it to says it is good. Sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've been super busy, but I'll try to keep up more often!

Here it goes, it is called Leave Me Alone. If you steal my song you die. :

Leave me alone, give me some space and remove all your eyes away from my face… Nothing makes sense anymore; I can’t even hold my breath… I’m trying so hard to let this go, but how can I when there’s nothing to look forward to…? Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… I know that to get to where I want to, it’s gonna take some time, but I wanna get there as soon as possible. There’s a lot holding me back, but once this concrete breaks underneath my feet, I can tumble right into my place… But, why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright… There’s something about the way I live, it’s just not right; I’m not exactly whole… I want a lot more than I should be asking for… Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright… Why can’t you see? I’m screaming for you, I want my heart to feel complete, but how can I, when no one’s trying to help me through this, and I’m not strong enough to hold all this weight on my shoulders, and I just wanna make it all right now… Make it alright… Make it alright…

I Made A List...

Of things that people have said to me or about me behind my back. I want to get this out there because it's going to KEEP happening. When I hear this kind of stuff, it hurts me, and it hurts even more knowing I can't say anything about it.




"She can't talk."  - What I want to say back: "Yes I can!"


"Stop not talking to me." - What I want to say back: "It's not like I'm choosing not to, because I want to talk to you.."

"She's the girl who doesn't talk." - What I want to say back: "The school really knows me by that label?"


"Are you listening to me?" - What I want to say back: "Of course I am, stupid!"

"This [a game of charades] should be easy for you." - What I want to say back: "Actually, it's not easy. Think before you talk, okay?"

"She doesn't talk." - What I want to say back: "Uh, yeah, I do."

"She's a mime." - What I want to say back: "Okay, and your a blabber-mouth and you should try keeping it shut."

"She's just shy..." - What I want to say back: "A shy person can still talk. I physically can't..."

"She never talks." - What I want to say back: "Okay. You go on living with that in your brain. We'll see just what you missed out on."

"That's very rude!" - What I want to say back: "It's not my fault, I know what rude is, and it's y-o-u for not bothering to accept the fact that not everyone is perfect."

"Stop doing this to me..." -  What I want to say back: "Do you really think I can help it?"

"You talked to me yesterday at my house..." -  What I want to say back: "Yeah, so? I was comfortable there, who says I have to be comfortable here, too?"

"Why don't you talk to my parents?" -  What I want to say back: "Because they scare me out of talking. Duh."

"My mom doesn't like you, because you don't talk." - "That's her problem, I never did anything to her."

I Think I'm Going To Pop.

Or Die.

Or Blow Up.

Or Something.

Part Oneeeeeee.

"Who's Amber?"
"She's the girl who doesn't talk."
"Why can't you talk?"
*shrugs*

Kind of a dumb question if you ask me, even if the "asker" is asking out of curiosity... So yeah, I decided to start some 3-4 part series of things people should know about people like me and why. This goes for parents, teachers, classmates, family members... Everyone basically. So, I guess I can start with some things that have happened to me personally. The opening sentences have happened to me, and will keep happening if something isn't done... Which will take awhile to accomplish. -UGH.-

Another experience I've had was with a family member, and he basically implied that talking is easy to do, everyone can do it, and that I should because people will think this and that and so on about me. That made me feel stupid, honestly. It's a life-scarring experience for me, that seemed like it lasted forever at the time, but to other people who've done and said similar things will not give it another thought. Never.

People say things about me which aren't true (Rumors, der-her-her), literally kill me in side. I can't help not talking sometimes! It isn't my fault, it isn't my parent's fault, it isn't anyone's fault. All these professional experts people... They try so hard to figure out things about us, but to me that's over-whelming, because I'm still trying to figure out alot about myself... Inside I'm a 'normal' person with 'normal' dreams and 'normal' stuff to worry about. But then there's this other side of me that pops out, whenever it feels like. Like a jack-in-the-box... Except you have to turn the little cranks on those.. So bad analogy. Like DAISIES. -Smile- Except they are ugly daises, showing the horrible part of me that I can't control, and without those Weed Whackers, I keep growing and growing and nothing can stop me.

-Phew, mouthful of random thoughts that keep popping into my head. :) -

I don't exactly everything that happened today, or if it even happened, all I know is that today is Friday and that's supposed to be a good thing... I'll sleep in super late so maybe I'll get some things off my chest.

Genuis On iTunes Is My BFF.

Hello. Again. :)
So, I retrieved the poems from my mother, finally. The first one I wrote awhile ago, probably about a week or two ago. It's called Life In Technicolor. Enjoy! :

So the day I spoke up
And you heard my voice
I wasn't too sure
If you'd like the noise

But to me it felt great
Cause for me
I really changed fate

My whole life has been in black and white
And today I felt just like you
I saw a flash of life...
Only this time it was in color

I stared back in awe
And began to think
If only I had the strength
To see life like you
Life in technicolor


This second one I wrote a 12:30am on Wednesday, because I couldn't sleep. I was just going to lie and stare at the ceiling all night, until I got this crazy idea in my head and started writing it down. I think I kinda felt like I was going crazy, because I wrote it somewhat neatly yet fast. Soo yerp. (Yerp is my new word?) Enjoy this one too! :

There are some things in life that you just can't have: But to me it's just not fair, what did I ever do to lead myself to such despair? All of our broken hearts lie in the fading sun, waiting on Father Time, just to be fixed like a clock. My heart is not yet in that pile; I've kept it safe inside of my chest... but it's gotten way too hard to keep inside of my head, I'm ready to toss myself into that pile, waiting impatiently with all the other heartbreak, death and denial.

Comment? Please? Hah.

Hiii..... Again...

Yerp, so I know I haven't really posted here in awhile.. Sorry. I'm busy and have a lot going on that I can't really handle.. I even wrote a poem about it. :) I don't have it with me now... -MOM- So I guess I can post it later.. -.- But it was freakishly good and I wrote it at 12:30am on Wednesday in less than 5 minutes. I scared myself after reading it in the morning. >:O

Soo yea. I will post again soon, WITH my poem this time. :)

Ta ta for now.