friendship.

okay, this has been bugging me for awhile now. even though i know i have friends and people who care about me.. i don't know. it's like everything about my life is in black and white. and those people are like the balloons in the picture. they bring a little color into my life. but it's only so long that i can hold onto them. i just wish i knew how long that could be. i want to keep my friends. it's just that i have this feeling that they worry about me too much. and that worry is so strong that i can feel it too, and i don't believe in their smiles anymore. i wish badly that i knew what it was like to be on the other side of this situation. i've never know what it's like to see and experience things differently. i feel like i am pushing a little too much for understanding.. it's just weird. i don't know who to turn to.. i don't know anyone who can explain this to me. it's just.... hard. very hard. i'm trying to make myself a better person, and it takes time to do that. i don't really know what i'm trying to say. i guess i'm just a little scared of becoming someone that people actually stand by and want to be around.